Humor · Reviews · Weekly Trash

January Garbage 1

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Welcome to the trashy new year! May your mullets flap in the stink winds of trash trucks everywhere! You deserve it. I deserve it. We all deserve a little more garbage.

This week I finally finish Black Company (Glen Cook) and it was a very interesting, satisfying read that presented a great, unique fantasy world. The first person narrative was amazing: really making me rethink my own work. You can always tell something is good when it makes you question your own shit. I think I might change my story over to first person for sure. I’m still in a planning stage so there isn’t a lot of work preventing me from radically changing the story. So that’s cool. I ordered the second book in the series (Shadows Linger) and as I wait for that to get here I’m going to be reading The Republic of Thieves (Scott Lynch), which is the next book in the Gentlemen Bastards series that I’ve yet to read.

I watched Wrestle Kingdom 10 and it was amazing. I’m excited about the rumors, basically confirmed, that four NJPW guys are coming to WWE (Shinsuke Nakamura, AJ Styles, Doc Gallows, and Karl Machine Gun Kelly). It makes me really excited for the Royal Rumble later this month.

I’ve been mostly playing Dragon Quest Heroes. The slowness of the menus and the mission system still irk me, but I continue to have a rather enjoyable time with this game. I keep looking at the other Dragon Quest games in the mainline series, and I can’t wait to really start working my way through those. This may be my JRPG series that I actually play!

Other games going on here and there. I messed a bit with Dark Souls on the PC. Got it to work, boosted it to 60 fps and salivated, until I got tired of the screen tearing. I may return but right now my joy has fizzled to ambivalence. I just got a good deal on steam (DEALS ON STEAM WHAT THE FUCK WHEN DO THOSE HAPPEN) for Titan Quest, which is basically Diablo in a Greek Mythology world. So I’m going to play Torchlight II a bit. WAITING ON A FRIEND TO BUY DIABLO FUCKING 3 SO WE CAN PLAY IT YOU BETTER FUCKING BUY IT DEVAN.

I will now review Devan.

Devan’s graphics are a bit on the iffy side. He seems to be trying to morph into a lion with his hair, and for a while he had some gnarly looking homeless facial hair, but he shaved that facial hair and immediately became about five years younger.

So, he’s still a young cub, but he’s got a mighty roar. In his earlier days he was known to dip carrots in the chicken noodle soup and stick these carrots to the wall at the Arby’s across the street. Arby’s eventually shut down for reasons unknown to the police, but I think it had something to do with an overdose of carrot consumption, causing all employees to develop yellow skin on the soles of their feet. Disgusting.

This causes a hole in the plot of Devan’s narrative. Throughout the tale you are caught in a gripping tale of marital strife: especially during the part where Devan, seven years old at this point, cheats on his wife with a goat that he then slaughters to feed to his family. This goat poisons his wife to death, and Devan proceeds to bury the woman along with any form of identity. No one knows the true identity of Devan’s ex-wife to this day, but some experts speculate that it was Brittany Murphy’s look-a-like.

But after all this excitement, Devan’s story drops into new lows when he begins picking cans of food out of dumpsters for fun. It’s not fun. And I hate hearing the same fucking stories over and over again you’re not cool for swimming in trash we all swim in trash you ain’t special.

The gameplay is where Devan really shines. Players suplex the tiny boy over and over, until he cries for help. Then a lion comes, gets eaten by a dragon, and you have to fight the dragon. Great stuff! I almost lost all my marbles fighting that shitty dragon. What a grind!

Sadly Devan lasts a full twenty-fucking-seven years to complete! So I’m giving this bloated experience 3 Hi-Chews out of 7. Could have been worse. Could be much, much better.

I’m so sick of fighting Devan’s fucking dragons. Gonna go play Torchlight II now.

professional writer

01/09/2016

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