Weekly Trash

February Trash 2

Took out the trash a little late this week. Sorry ’bout the FUCKING FLIES.


If you haven’t read it yet, I wrote a review of Dragon Quest Heroes. I’ll likely, this week, post an article about how I review video games. Or rather, how I plan to write reviews of video games, considering this was the very first review of a video game I’d ever published or completed.

In other news, I also completed the first draft my first short story since college. I did this in the same night as completing and publishing that DQH review, and then I spent the rest of the week doing nothing. BECAUSE DAMNIT I EARNED IT.

(But don’t worry I have a job so I didn’t really do nothing no rest for the best know what i’m sayin)

Gettin’ back into Bloodborne in preparation for Dark Souls 3. I created this fella a few months back:

Mountain Dew King
Excuse the poor blood texture on his face. He’s seen better days.

His name is Mountain Dew King. He likes to sell Mountain Dew to warewolves, and he generally brings large swords to help with the distribution. Considering wharewolves don’t especially care for Mountain Dew. Can you blame them? Tastes like piss.

mt dew

He’s pictured wearing a dress that is actually part of a cosplay to look like the doll from the hunter’s dream. See:

Come to my blog to see a million pictures!

I think he did a good job. The whalewolves did not. That’s why he’s got blood on his face. I spent three whole pictures telling you this terrible story. Would you like some more spice to it? I don’t care. I will, instead of telling stories about Mountain Dew King, tell you stories about me as a real person playing this video game.

I got stuck on the fucking shit giant in the chalice dungeons. You don’t get a picture, just know that he’s a piece of shit giant with shit covering his goddamn body and he’s really, really easy but because I was really, really rusty I couldn’t be fucked to kill him. He just squashed me over and over. It was pissing me off, so I moved on to other things. Like more Pokemon. Then I got tired of that. I tried playing some Dying Light. Then I got tired of that. Rogue Legacy? No. WWE 2k15? FUCK NO. (I just received 2k16 in the mail because playing 2k15 is so terrible you almost have to buy another wrestling game just to wash out the rotten taste in your mouth.)

Eventually I got back to Bloodborne and I was kinda drunk. I had shots of rum along with some beer. I wasn’t exactly alone, but besides the friends I spoke to on my headset I was physically alone. This isn’t a sad thing, adults just sometimes like to get drunk and play video games, it’s perfectly healthy. So I’m kinda drunk and I play Bloodborne, and miraculously I HOLD THE FUCKING GODDAMN PHONE JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE.

I just, on the first try, spelled miraculously perfectly, yet I can’t fucking spell warewolf? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SPELL WARWOLF? GODDAMNIT!!


Okay apparently it’s werewolf. Sorry, I can’t spell. Here: One more picture.

It’s a whalewolf.

So I’m drunk and I play Bloodborne and miraculously I start to regain my old familiarity with the video game. See, upon release I bought the game and beat it in a week. You’d fuckin’ know that if you bothered to read my goddamn 2015 top ten. But I found myself smashing the shit out of everything with the kirkhammer–a weapon I decided was terrible. Turns out I just needed to discover a combo that works well for me! I went back to the shitgiant and beat his fucking tit into the ground. Now he’s a smelly shitstain on the floor of some dank ass dungeon.

I’m not stuck on a fire wolf. He’s got a terrible design so I’m not even going to bother putting up a picture of his Mountain Dew Livewire looking ass.


And he’s also a bit HARD AS FUCK. Much harder than ol’ shitgiant. I leveled skill to wield the holy blade, my favorite weapon in the game thusfar, and I found myself getting reaccustomed to the fight last night. I hope to try it a few times tonight but as I said, I just received WWE 2k16 in the mail so I’ll probably spend all night creating the fuckboys in the creation system. Yum.

Rest assured: Mountain Dew King will save all of us. He will fight back the impending night that threatens our lives with boring water. It is blood we need. Diabetic blood, pumping through our veins and pulsing pains throughout our hearts. God bless you, Mountain Dew King, god bless you. Kill those disgusting NOT original flavors of Mountain Dew. Livewire. Code Red. Voltage. WHITE OUT? WHO THE FUCK DRINKS WHITE OUT? No one knows. No one cares. We all depend on Mountain Dew King.


Deranged Cultist who sometimes enjoys Mountain Dew



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