Donald Duck is the most credible presidential candidate for the 2016 United States Earth Presidential candidacy, and he will eat a terrorist with his ginormous fatass beak. We need a manduck like Donald, with his fucking sailor uniform, because he has a no-nonsense approach to keeping bullet ants out of our country. Have you even HEARD of bullet ants? Three bites from one ant will kill just because they hurt so damn much. They sound like they fuckin’ suck. Let’s keep them out!
When he was twenty three years old, Donald Duck was arrested for protesting KFC. He likes chickens. A lot. He’s somewhat of an activist. He didn’t actually go to jail, by the way. His family is too fucking rich to let their son/grandson/nephew/brother/sister/mother/friend/sex slave rot in prison! And that’s what this country needs best! Family values. We’re all lacking family values, when we’ve all gone out to Kentucky Fried Chicken for value meals!! You see what I’m saying? MORE FAMILY LESS FRIED CHICKEN!
Then with his family money Donald Duck invested in hog wrestling and got himself a big ol’ tower in the middle of New York City. TOWERS ARE COOL AND AMERICAN VOTE FOR DONALD FUCKING DUCK. You want American values? DONALD DUCK. Family values? DONALD DUCK. You want no war? DONALD DUCK. You want tons of war? DONALD DUCK. How about a better economy? DONALD DUCK. Free school! DONALD DUCK. NO SCHOOL? DONALD DUCK. All the taxes. DONALD DUCK. Free taxes! DONALD DUCK. Wanna pay taxes? DONALD DUCK. How about starve the poor? DONALD DUCK. Drug war? DONALD DUCK. Incrimination of shitty cops? DONALD DUCK. He’s THE PERFECT MAN. THE PERFECT DUCK. DONALD FUCKING DUCK.
He now wears a lovely wig made out of leather. It doesn’t at all even look like a fake wig at all because why would he ever want to feel insecure about his own masculinity that’s fucking childish and who’s NOT childish?
DONALD DUCK. He’s a man not a child.
He was once a wife to someone who was already president. That man was the last well respected president. That president got a blow job and no one gave a shit because everyone was too busy playing awesome video games, listening to shitty music, and buying money because everyone was rich.
He’s also related to two fucking ex-presidents and both of them sucked but let’s not focus on that please?
Donald Duck once took out my wife to dinner. Then he fucked her and let me watch.
I don’t have a wife and I never had one. This never happened. I’m just so excited about Donald Duck that I’m willing to lie for one vote. You’d feel the same if you ever met him.
If you saw Donald Duck in the supermarket you would probably wash your hands before you tried to shake his hand because that man demands RESPECT. This is one Duck you don’t wanna FUCK with. You hear that, Osama Bin Laden. YOU CAN’T RUN FOREVER.
What? We got him years ago and just… you know… kinda killed him? Uh. Are ya….are ya sure?
Well I can assure you, if the man’s dead, it was DONALD DUCK who pulled the trigger.
You know that DONALD DUCK wouldn’t be like that president who just sits on their ass while everyone else does all the work. Like, the guy’s got fuckin’ webbed toes and shit? He can swim pretty good, and he’s got wings SO HE CAN FLY a couple of inches at a time. Sure, he might be a little…just a little fat…but that don’t matter because FUCK FRIED CHICKEN he’s DONALD DUCK and he’ll put a stop to forest fires. The man was built on top of the ocean. Which ocean? FUCKING ALL OF THEM DONALD DUCK. He doesn’t care what hemisphere you met your mom in. He doesn’t care who your first girl friend was. He doesn’t want to watch Netflix or Hulu. He’s about GETTING. SHIT. DONE.
Also every other candidate sucks here’s where you insert DONALD DUCK’s argument about why they suck and their families suck. Ain’t about them values son. YA GOTSTA HAVE VALUES SON.
VOTE DONALD DUCK NOW. RIGHT NOW.