Thank you, Fromsoft, for giving me, Dog Master White Guy, a free copy of Dark Souls III before anyone else in America.
They did not give me a copy of this game. I have to wait until April 12 to play it. I believe this to be a declaration of war, from Japan toward AMERICA, because why else would we have to wait when the game has released in Japan and is complete in ENGLISH?
However I have viewed hours of streamed content from those that have received the game. Let us precede with a look at Dark Souls III.
This game is apparently the last Dark Souls. I doubt the validity in this claim, however seeing the game leads me to believe that it may be the case purely based on the mashing together of Demon’s Souls, Bloodborne, and Dark Souls 1 and 2. Don’t misread my tone, because I think this is a good thing. The third of the trilogy (even though this is technically the fifth in this series, it is the end of the Dark Souls trilogy) always carries the promise of being a kind of greatest hits. You combine good elements of other entries, and throw out weaknesses. Dark Souls III has benefited from all these other games coming and adding their own flavor to the bowl of Doritos.
Doritos? I’m sorry, what?
Doritos has launched some terrible campaign about Batman vs Superman where you support which vanilla boy you like best by buying the packaging with your emo hero in display. The graphic looks fine, 10/10, but the goddamn action-fire-sparks on the packaging make the bag appear dirty. Like, covered in fucking dust. Would you purchase a bag of snacks that was covered in dust? Yes, you would. At a gas station. This was at a supermarket. An AMERICAN BUSINESS. Dust off your fucking graphic Doritos. I almost bought a bag this week out of an old craving but when I saw your shit dust all over the package, I wanted nothing to do with you! They make the chips look dirty. AND I ALREADY KNOW THEY’RE FUCKING DIRTY.
But I digress. For this is not about Doritos.
THIS IS ABOUT GOLDFISH CRACKERS.
WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?
Strawberry shortcake? Cinnamon roll? Taquito? Tuna fish cereal? Dog?
You’ve gone too far.
Are you crazy? You outta ya mind?
Who needs these colors guys? Okay, I get it. Color is good. But who asked for this?
That’s when it all hit me. See, at some point you’ve got to examine your past when you’re dealing with these hard hitting, heavy issues. You need to come to terms with who you are as a person, and identify what you’re made of. What defines you.
Corn syrup. MSG. Sugar. Salt. Butter. Flavor Dust.
Mountain. Dew. King.
I gotta go. I have….stuff to do.
In the meantime, you can rest assured–
Dark Souls III will meet its diabetic fate.
Dog Master White Guy