Weekly Trash

Quest: Part Four: The End

Every quest has an end.

With far too much effort, I dragged myself back to Drangleic in pursuit of evolution. Mountain Dew King was far too mighty in a land of mortals. In lands of immortality, such as Drangleic, Mountain Dew King is unmatched. All others bow to him, and pray to him, now, for I have finally taken him to his fated throne.

DARK SOULS™ II: Scholar of the First Sin_20160408234000

Who can say what Mountain Dew King does with their power? The light is his, and his alone, to do with what he chooses. Will he conduct it with corn syrup? Will he bring back the religion of MSG? Will he resurrect Lord Dorito? No body knows, yet perhaps in other worlds bare the answer. Dark Souls 3 is upon us, and it will be some time before Mountain Dew King leaves their throne for new lands to conquer. Until then, only one thing remains certain:

All hail Mountain Dew King!

DARK SOULS™ II: Scholar of the First Sin_20160408234033
Ignore the upper left there.

But it almost never happened.

Enter the Gungeon_20160406010719
First and only flawless kill.

Enter the Gungeon is a wonderful, wonderful experience. Part Isaac, part Nuclear Throne, the game punishes you and punishes you until you get better. The wonder of seeing new weapons and their potential, the delight of making progress, the satisfaction of feeling like you’ve improved your abilities, this game really nails it. I love it as a marathon game. I love it as a short session game, a session-starter and session-ender. It’s great on the weekends. It’s scrumptious on toast. It makes a great wife.

Enter the Gungeon.

It would make a fine president, too.

I’ll likely say more about what the game actually is, and more about my thoughts, as I continue to play. The thing about this game is that I’ve put in several hours, on both the PC and PS4 versions, and I feel I’ve yet to scratch the surface. And I really haven’t, cause I can’t get passed the third fucking level! But it’s an exciting game and I look forward to improving, and learning more.

The game is a roguelike with a focus on variety in terms of weapon drops. Guns in this game are seemingly endless in terms of difference in the way Borderlands failed in that every gun actually feels different than the last. You might start a run and luck out, getting a gun that parries bullets as you reload. You may get nothing but hot water trash, like a pea shooter. Which is a gun that literally shoots peas. This game has a sense of humor. The enemies are also really adorable. They’re little hopping bullets that shoot guns. You will learn to hate them, though, because unless you learn how to properly dodge shots you will get hit. And health is so very precious in a game with limited healing capabilities.

It’s a game that demands practice and patience, because you just gotta get good.

hyper light shitshot.jpg

I also played a bit of this gorgeous game. It’s equally as mysterious and difficult. It also seems absolute in brilliance and quality. I’ve just neglected to put enough time into it. I hear it’s short, luckily! I’ll dive into more as I continue playing.

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This stupid asshole is where I’ve been hanging out for most of my time. It has absorbed me quickly and completely like a vat of acid. That’s a bad simile, but this isn’t a short story, so I don’t even feel bad about it. Nope. Not at all.

I originally got back in to play the DLC. I did so, and then found that I didn’t know what to do with the character I was playing. So I created a new one, decided to build her differently, and decided to build a story around her that was different than the main story of the game. Instead of doing the missions the game wants me to do, I’m doing what I think my character wants to do. I’m not looking for my lost son, because I don’t have a son. I have my own goals and desires in this world, and so far those goals and desires amount to protection this one small farm I found, and killing any and every raider I see.

I am reminded by my relatively recent playthroughs of Fallout New Vegas, in which I did a slightly similar thing to what I am doing now. I role play as the character I’m playing as, and after sessions I write little stories about what they did. It’s a nice exercise in writing fiction, and it improves the experience of playing a janky ass Bethesda game. It really helps me appreciate these games, because no matter how other games attempt to absorb you into the world of the video game, Bethesda seems to absorb me better than anyone else with their Elder Scrolls and Fallout games.

Yes, I have played the first two Fallout games. You are correct, they aren’t made by Bethesda. No, I did not particularly enjoy playing these games. Yes, I did play them too late. No, I realize I am talking to myself and you aren’t asking me any of these questions. Yes, I am kinda bored about talking about Fallout 4, but at the same time I find myself wanting to look up the Fallout Reddit or jump back in on my PS4. That’s right. Fallout.

Anyway, if you haven’t already I wrote a cool first chapter to the story of my character here. I actually think it’s well done. Sue me for saying that about my own work.

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I haven’t played this game at all. I’ll get back to it. It’s really good. But I got distracted.

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I had to rip myself away from these other worlds just to dip back into Drangelic. When I returned, I found myself in a state of desperation. I heard something coming, calling to me from deep shadowing depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Something old, unthinkably large and powerful. Something slumbering away, waiting for the right moment so that it may raise and claim possession over all of humanity.

Dark Souls 3 is Cthulhu.

But Dark Souls 2 Scholar of the First Sin had to be beaten before I got to play that game, I thought. Better do it before 4/12 because damn if I have self-control!

I jumped in with the intent to slaughter the throne defenders and Nashandra. I figured it would take me an hour or two. It took me twenty minutes. See, they have great NPC summons before the fight. Two of them! Benhart and Vengarl! That wasn’t in the original game you sneaky fucks!

DARK SOULS™ II: Scholar of the First Sin_20160408233806
DARK SOULS™ II: Scholar of the First Sin_20160408233806

I lost to Nashandra once. After the fight with the throne defenders, she comes out and immediately starts the fight with her. I forgot about this, so I wasn’t well prepared. I thought I would be forced to fight both the defenders fight and the Nashandra fight at once back to back, so I was prepared for a long fight after that. Then I got invaded by some try hard wearing no armor and wielding a ton of tricky spells. They kicked my ass and I respawned, summoned Bendog and Vendude, and went in to the Nashandra fight with stars in my eyes and fire in my breath. I killed her easily. Saw the cutscene. Saw the credits. Respawened in Majula.

Do I tackle the DLC I haven’t yet? Do I go on the fight the Scholar, the new final boss implemented with Scholar of the First Sin??

Nah. I saw credits, that’s good enough for me.

Dark Souls 3 time boys!! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

lord doritos

(I may go back for that dlc and extra boss fight but right now I’d rather continue to kill bandits on Fallout sorry k thx not sorry uhhhhhhhh bye)

Bacon Grease McBitchTit Cave Dweller



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