Impressions

God of War Impressions

It’s been about a week since 4/20! Everyone knows what went down on 4/20! It was an international holiday we us real gamers got together and celebrated the release of the greatest video game of all time, God of War! Viking dad simulator!

I have not found the time to play this video game of otherworldly quality, however I have watched a considerable amount of footage on twitch.tv! That’s as much qualification as anybody out there to publish an impressions piece. Hell! I might as well review the whole damn game! But what’s the point? We all know what score I would give it!

god of war review scores.jpg

The first thing I thought of when I tuned into twitch.tv to watch my favorite streamers stream God of War, the greatest video game of all time, was that the camera was right behind Kratos’ back through the entirety of gameplay! That means you get a lot of those wide shoulders. And we all know what wide shoulders lead to.

god of war ass circle.jpg

That’s right! Total man ass! As flat as northern North America! Which I think is an allusion to Norway, the setting of this fine father and son trip through the mythology of the Norse!

You won’t expect that kind of attention to detail from children companies like Nintendo.

labo on fire

The detail on Kratos is amazing and all, but it would have been, quite frankly, a God of WAR CRIME if a similar attention wasn’t spent working on detail in the levels. And they look stunning!

god of war vista.jpg

This game is fucking beautiful. Hands down, best looking game of all time! Hear that, Splatoon 2? Fuck you. Fuck you and your squids and your paint!

splatoon.png

While I’m writing this, I have my old Xbox 360 hooked up. I’m downloading all the fighting games that have not been ported (and will never be ported) to the Xbone. I also have a daily of Slay the Spire up, playing that when I remember that it’s on, and I’m watching a stream on twitch.tv. This is how the modern day millenial lives, I tell ya! Multitastking video games to its fullest!

man drinking beer.jpg
I’m even drinking beer!

God of War features a gripping, tragic storyline, where a father and son must carry the mother’s ashes to the top of the mountain. During this journey, God of War meets plenty of adversaries who want to prove themselves against the God of War, because they know him. They know who he is. And he needs to leave!

time to stop

God of War has always been known for its gripping story, and this new offering is no different. Kratos yells “boy” at his son so often, you’d think he was Donny J himself!

AYE BOY

“You won’t expect that kind of attention to detail from children companies like Nintendo.”

The game features a long main quest, with plenty of side-quests throughout its open world environment. You might say to yourself “What? Open world? Side quests? Long campaign? What is this, 2017?”

No.

This is 2018. Games are still going strong baby, and they’re getting longer and longer. So long they’re going to pop right out of the mouth!

Wait a minute. What am I talking about?

Oh yeah! God of Fucking War, Son! Or should I say

BOY?

god of war boy
“Boy.”

After players finish the single player campaign, there’s a near infinite amount of multiplayer available! This was totally unexpected from me. Gameplay is a mixture of Mario Party and Call of Duty! Roll the dice. Travel the board. Get dumped into 1v1 sniper duels on Rust. Purchase the three DLC zombie maps, and assemble the mountain dew trident, which unlocks Nuke Town! How many nade kills can you get, pussy?

Overall, God of War is shaping up to be the greatest video game of 2018, let alone ever. Eat your heart out, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild! Get fucked, Mario Strikers. Eat a phat one, Overwatch!

god of war review scores

God of War earns 4/5 boys. Why a 4? Well, number one, I’m a real critic, and I understand that perfection doesn’t exist! I take perfect scores very seriously.

Also there’s no sex minigame.

4 out of 5 boysboys

In all seriousness, I look forward to playing God of War. It looks very fun.

 

the eric andre of blogs

04/28/2018

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