Hey, THANKS Canadian Walmart for RUINING e3 by spoiling all the reveals! If you haven’t read, don’t worry. I will NOT spoil your e3 experience. I refuse to engage with spoiler culture–a mentality that has ruined movies, literature, video games, AND LIFE since the inception of the Internet! Nerds, far too excited about blabbing all over about some reveal or another, possess zero common sense or self-control, trading away such luxuries for fanboyism and hysteria.
That said, here are the video games revealed by Canadian Walmart that THIS BLOGGER can’t WAIT to hear more about!
DESTINY 3
So now they’re skipping passed all their content plants for Destiny 2, which was a loot based shooter about opening loot boxes with currency you pay for with real money. They instead intend to release the sequel, already finished, just in time for the 2018 holiday season! SIGN ME UP! Hopefully Bungie will finally grow a set and implement what we’re all awaiting–MASTER CHIEF!
MISTER BISCUIT: CITADEL OF GRAVY
This was one of the odder entries to the Canadian Walmart listing. A description has surfaced as follows:
“Mister Biscuit is an actual biscuit bent on capturing the god butter, which he hopes will grant him immortality. Players must solve puzzles in order to advance from location to location throughout a citadel, where they will meet other breakfast people and potentially enlist their help if players can successfully convince them. Gain powers by smothering jelly on your chest! Avoid the scorching hot ladles of gravy! Dodge and platform around a nightmarish hellscape populated by the grasping hands of giant human beings, hungry for breakfast! Mister Biscuit: Citadel of Gravy releases as a Sony Vita exclusive this holiday season!”
It sounds like a mix of Telltale adventure mechanics, or maybe some David Cageisms, with a kind of Super Meat Boy meats Super Metroid level and gameplay mesh. Seems interesting! The exclusive release to the Sony Vita, which Sony themselves announced will be dead soon, seems a bit weird/almost awkward at this point. Hopefully it’s a timed exclusive at some point, because I would love to play this game on my Switch! It sounds just weird enough to be up my alley!
LIL BILL AND GARY BUSEY: DATING FORCE
Gary Busey has become a murderous robot bent on destruction. Lil Bill has become a dating guru. Players must coax the bloodthirsty android away from his murder death, and toward a particular kind of horney love that involved big titty anime characters. I know a fishy one would love this game. He will love that it comes out to the Sony Vita, and the Sony PSP, in late July. Really, not my bag, but hey–the premise sounds intriguing. I wonder if David Cage is somehow involved?
MARIO WARRIORS: MUSHROOM MASSACRE
They did it with Zelda, they did it with Fire Emblem, and now they’re doing it with Mario! Team Tecmo Koei is at it again, folks, and this one promises to be the most BRUTAL musou title yet! Mario, Luigi, peach, toad, Wario, Waluigi, Bowser, Iggy, Baby Mario, Rosalina, Petey Piranha, King Boo, Dry Bones, Clown Cart, Mushroom Cloud, Super Stars, Frog Suit, Hammer Bro, and even SHOE!!
All these and more murder thousands of koopas and goombas throughout the battlefields of the Mushroom Kingdom complete with realistic dismemberment and redundant RPG mechanics! Level up your hype stat dudes–this one’s gonna SLAY!
UNCHARTED REMASTERED
Finally. They tried publishing a HD version, but that game was ass, and everybody knows it! This game aims to correct all the atrocities committed by the first entry in the cinematic trilogy of the generation with the one simple addition everyone’s been clamoring for: LOOT BOXES! Finally, an excuse to keep playing. HELL YEAH!
KITCHEN QUEST
This title blends kitchen management, similar to games such as Dinner Dash, with the Tactical RPG genre. Players hire, fire, and raise a kitchen full of cooks, then complete minigames during the day to make money. Upon closing time it’s the player’s job to deploy these cooks as warriors in the field of battle against other restaurants with the goal to take over every restaurant in the city. Will you be the Nobunaga of the culinary world? Kitchen Quest releases this August exclusively to the Nintendo Switch.
METAL GEAR SOLID VI
Kojima is finally gone, making some perverted wadded up piece of loose porn called Bed Staining, I think. This entry of MGS will finally, for the LOVE OF GOD, make a MODICUM of sense! A narrative that is easy to follow, following the greatest homosexual protagonist in gaming culture: Solid Snake!
CALL OF DUTY
I’ve been waiting years to play this.
DOOM 3
Remember how doom 3 sucked? Well, this time they’ve decided to ignore its existence and create a whole new experience calling it DOOM 3! The technology just wasn’t there when they originally made it, folks. This is a matter of an artist going back to create their original vision due to the failure of the shitty execution. I mean–flashlights? FUCK YOU BUD! This new game promises to blend Andrew W.K. with Suicide Squad. Check out the trailer here:
Looks a lot like Borderlands.
Borderlands 3
It’s not going to be at e3 guys. Daddy Pitchfork said so. GOOD THING DOOM 3 LOOKS JUST LIKE BORDERLANDS AM I RIGHT?
Half Life 3
This is the big one! Or maybe not…
Valve has recently stated that they are finally getting back to making video games again. I don’t believe them, even with this listing, but what happens remains to be seen. Screenshots have appeared showing what appears to be a flash game running at 24 fps at a 640×320 resolution. Players take control of Gordon Freeman, who must jump from platform to platform to avoid falling asleep from failed attempts at any kind of meaningful storytelling. There are headcrabs, crowbars, and there’s a GMan, so it’s DEFINITELY a Half Life game. But generally these games have released as pinnacles of technology, so this weird, 2002 Newgrounds Nostalgic style in the visuals and gameplay summon up a vile of suspicion in me. I don’t know guys, this one might be fake..
RICK AND MORTY: A TELLTALE GAME
Telltale has made some of the greatest modern adventure games for properties such as Game of Thrones, Minecraft, and even Q Burt. Now they’ve chosen to capitalize on the highly popular and civilized fanbase behind Rick and Morty, the cartoon network series featured at Hot Topic! I can’t wait to see what kind of dialogue options I’ll have as Morty #798, also known as, “that one morty who was smarter than Rick.”
CAGE: NICK’S QUEST
Another odd one. Screenshots have appeared suggesting this is a kind of FMV throwback featuring all of Nick Cage’s famous characters interacting with each other. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I have either not viewed most of these films, or have viewed these films under a deep state of intoxication, so I do not recognize most of these characters. You get what appears to be the Nick Cage from the Wicker Man, who punches a woman and is immediately covered in bees and then screams about it for fifteen minutes. Then the Nick Cage from Faceoff appears and makes insane facial expressions, thrusts his junk around, then shoots the other Nick Cage in the head. He is immediately tackled by the Nick Cage from The Rock, I think? I don’t know, I haven’t seen that movie. But then the Nick Cage from Sorcerer’s Apprentice rides in on a broomstick. He catches a snitch, which is then stolen by the National Treasure Nick Cage, who busts it open and finds the declaration of independence.
Video games are weird.
Diddy Kong Drag Race
This may be the most out of left field video game that I actually want to play that I’ve heard about in a while. Firstly, there is no Diddy Kong in this game. No Kong so to speak. Also, it’s not a racing game at all. It’s actually a Drag Queen/King simulator!
“Players must travel the country doing shows and snorting blows. There is a heavy focus on upgrading your drag (clothes, make up, tits/asses/dicks) to increase the character’s appeal. There are multiple schools of drag, such as comedy or pageant. Players must develop a routine and hone their showmanship by assigning different button commands to different moves. Interact with fans! Be as mean to them as possible, because they can’t touch you, the true Drag Queen/King! Or be nice, and immediately drop down the card as an opening act. The choice is your’s, in Diddy Kong Drag Race!”
What a promising subject and idea for a video game. I really hope it’s real…
DEVAN 3
So this thing’s weird. The last one, which I reviewed two years ago (?), which I reviewed two years ago, was objectively the greatest video game ever created. From Japanese magazine, Nintendo Power, we got leaked screenshots from another Japanese magazine, Xbox Magazine, and it showed a pixel game not too dissimilar from every single indie game that has released over the past three thousand years. I wonder why the indie look? Devan 2 sold AT LEAST one copy to every single citizen of planet earth. Surely they have enough money to bring us a truly next gen sensation? My anticipation is simply BOILING over! WHEN WILL WE GET ANSWERS?!
e3. that’s when. you sillies.
HEY! Thanks to Clint, Devan, Asher, Jordan, and Marie for their assistance in today’s garbage post! Look forward to more coming this week. I plan to write about Street Fighter II snes ports and Wizard of Legend. SEE YA!
real news
05/25/2018
firstdraftinthetrashblog 